GF Update

Every now and then I get ridiculously excited about things we find that my child actually LOVES that are gluten-free. It's the little things in life, people. Sadly for us, on this day, we are getting our Girl Scout Cookie shipment. Sadly for me, I started this diet yesterday and sadly, for child, said cookies are not Gluten Free. I am considering hosting a GS Cookie Party...who's in? Bring your appetite because I am not putting one Thin Mint near these committed (commit-able?) lips.

Anyway, moving on to products! I was just sending over an email to Joyce at the Indy Weekly who has been writing articles for them of late regarding the issue not only of GF eating but focusing on allergens in general. Can I just tell you how much fun it is to fanagle a menu/restaurant option out of a shellfish allergy, a peanut allergy, and a GFCF diet? And people wonder why I'm so high strung.

In writing Joyce, I wanted to give a little spotlight to our favorite GF bread because I really feel that in doing all this mad research I do and grocery store hopping (yesterday we hit four) is completely pointless if I don't share it with other mothers. Help yourself but help others. And then it dawned on me that we've also recently found a potato chip alternative, new chocolate chip cookies, and more pancake/waffle alternatives.


Bread

Glutino Harvest Corn Gluten Free/Casein Free/Preservative Free Bread of Greatness. Finding ready made GF Bread is a challenge. And as much as I love to bake, I have little to no experience with bread making (hence the "fat" 365 Whole Foods Bread debacle of 2010). And honestly, I lack the time to Betty Crocker my way through this every week so this was a G-d send.

Found at Harmony Farms, it costs exactly $6.31 with tax. A bit pricey maybe, but having the ability to now send my child to school with a peanut butter sandwich is worth it. Worth the trip, worth the money, worth it. Thank you, Glutino.

Potato Chips



I rarely go into Trader Joe's mostly because it is always too entirely busy and too entirely annoying and because for all their GF flag waving, ours doesn't have the greatest GF selection I've ever seen. But I will hail these popped chips (particularly the BBQ ones), in all their processed glory, because my son loves them. Definitely not an "eat every day" item, but he is the same way I am about BBQ Sauce (actually, that's a family trait and we officially call this addiction to condiments "KyahKyah" -- but I digress). At $1.99 a bag and a lovely afternoon treat that keeps him in his chair and at bay from causing any sort of casualty in his South America elective, you can't beat it.


Cookies



Whetstone Home Grown is a local bakery based out of Wake Forest, North Carolina. I was skeptical of the cookie (seen here to the far right) at first because we've had a lot of bad GF cookie experiences but after two, I was surely addicted. They offer baked goods as well as jams, all without corn syrup, artificial colors, preservatives or flavors. GF cookies are also available casein free by request. You can find them every Saturday at the Wake Forest Farmer's Market March-December or order them directly. I actually think I'm going to eat one right now....oh wait, diet. Nevermind. Dang it.

Pancakes


Maple Grove Farms of Vermont makes the best GF Pancake mix, in my humble opinion...or rather Jude's humble opinion since he's the one who eats them (I have never been a fan of the cake from pan). They are made from rice flour and they smell so scrumptious when they are cooking in the skillet! I use rice milk and sometimes toss in a little cinnamon depending on his mood. Oddly, I can only find this mix at Target of all places. Specifically, Super Target, which means a long a** drive out to North Raleigh but it's near the Saks so I mean really, who can complain?


I'll be honest, not only am I not a fan of pancakes, I am even less a fan of the frozen variety. But I couldn't help but pick these up at Trader Joe's the other day because well, multiply how much I don't like pancakes by like infinity and that's how much I don't like mornings. And the stress of not only getting child dressed, fed and his lunch packed in under an hour while feeling good about the nutrition choices I made are enough to drive a mama mad.

My child likes 3 things for breakfast: eggs, waffles and pancakes. That is it. That is all. So, we haven't actually tried these yet but I will let you know how they go over. We did, however, try these today...

Waffles


...and they must have been damn good because normally my child eats breakfast like some kind of food critic working on his 5th book. It's painfulllllly slow. Today, I turned around...waffles. Turned back around...no waffles. In a matter of minutes. Oh joy! Oh rapture! Whatever is in the TJ wheat-free toaster waffles must have been made from the same nectar as pixie dust. Child is a fan.

And whatever child is a fan of, so is mom.


More later...
xoxo,
kvlm

"But I'm Going to be 40." "When??" "Some day!"

Whenever it is appropriate, I like to use quotes from "When Harry Met Sally." Script-wise, it is some of the greatest dialogue ever penned. All hail Nora Ephron.

What does this particular quote have to do with this particular day? Well, I woke up this morning cranky as a recently sheered sheep and although I was somewhat sleep deprived, I couldn't quite put my finger on the pulse of my discontent.

Then it hit me. I am approximately 3 months away from my 36th birthday. And approximately 30 pounds away from my goal weight. Ok, really I'm only 20 away from where I was at my greatest shape, but I like to lop that extra 10 lbs on there just to really stress myself out and totally self-deprecate.

Now you ask, what does this have to do with Atypical Mother's main focus which is being a somewhat left of center parental unit to a somewhat atypical child? Well, I'll tell you. I kind of forgot that the equation of parenting actually includes me, ie. I need to remind myself continually that being a good parent does not just mean making sure that my child is happy -- it also includes keeping me happy. Huh. Amazing the clarity that comes with age. (Or is it dementia? I'm not entirely sure.)

But the moniker Atypical was never meant to just incorporate the behavioral and developmental challenges we experience with little man, it was also meant to incorporate the usually quirky way I go about doing things. For example, I am probably the only mother at school who looks forwards to any occasion to rock victory rolls; I just watered my flowers with a mason jar; my child sat under an art market table yesterday assisting in the sale of our wares like some gypsy waiting to get back into his caravan; I really want to sell everything we own and move to a far away land. I don't fit the mold, and I like it that way.

Let's face it, the days of the "American Ideal" where we all live in houses in the burbs with a 3.5 member family, a dog, 2 cars and a dual and steady income are basically over. Not that that was ever my goal. Don't get me wrong, I have killed myself over the years to ensure stability and a sense of security in our home, but I have always been of the mind set that home is not where you live but who you are with and where your heart resides. Call it a by-product of moving around. A lot.

So when I think about my pipe dreams, I am caught somewhere between longing and determination. See, I haven't given up on those pipe dreams. I don't believe in giving up on pipe dreams. Regardless of your age, your financial situation, or how many you have hanging on your apron strings, I firmly believe, in the infallible words of Eleanor Roosevelt, you are never to old to be what you were going to be.

Being relentlessly predisposed to dramatic overtures and lots of time under bright lights on a stage, I still have the want for the following: to sing with my husband, cut a record with my husband, be in a play and dance in a musical, with a group, with children...wherever. I want my son surrounded by music, creativity and plenty of interpretation.

Still what does this have to do with my age and, subsequently, my weight goals? Well, all this recent talk of body image (from my beloved cauldron gals: Kitschen Bitsch and Shades of Gray) and from the fashion world (which I covered ever so lightly back in February on Frock Paper Scissors), got me thinking about my own body image. There is nothing more motivating than positive reinforcement and negative proof, as much as we may hate to admit it.

Weight has always "stood in my way." No, I've never been a skinny girl. I was on my first diet in the first grade -- seriously. It was an 1800 calorie a day diet and it allowed me no sweets but one scoop of vanilla ice cream at the end of the day. To drink, I was only allowed water and a lovey water/sweet tea blend which consisted of 3/4 a cup of water with a 1/4 (or less) cup of sweet tea (honestly, I still do this because I love sweet tea but it doth make me fat).

The struggle would continue, well, permanently. Or at least in my mind. When I got to high school, I was dancing every day and very active. I rode my bike every afternoon; I ate tuna out of can with no bread and no mayonnaise. I thought I was enormous. Recent photos of me from high school proved me wrong. No, I wasn't Sally Stick or Bonnie Bulimia Ballerina (like most people expect when you say you are a dancer) but I wasn't as large as I was in my head.

When I hit about 27, I was in the greatest shape of my life. Somehow shedding the preconceptions of high school and discovering my femininity and drive did wonders for me in my 20's. And for all those people who may say that I'm not dedicated to being fit, I dare you to dance for 2-3 hours 3 times a week in a dance club and tell me it's not a work out.

Between doing that and walking the streets of England, I somehow wound up being thinner than ever...keep in mind that thin for me still meant a size 8. And let me clarify, I have never been ridiculous enough to think that:
A) my self-worth is based on my dress size or that
B) all of these curves will ever fit nicely into anything smaller than an 8.

And that, I can honestly say, I am A-ok with.

So new goals. Because in my mind, in this world where every day is either a huge hurdle jumped with our atypical child -- who is making excellent progress -- or a major step backwards, and where I want to be an example to him of what you can be, how to pursue your dreams, and not shoving yourself into everyone's vision of what life should be, I can't be strong mentally if I'm not strong physically. And if that level of confidence isn't there, those dreams will remain mountains in the distance that never come into focus.

In an effort to keep myself in line, I'm going to journal this here. We'll call it "30 -- or 20 -- for 36." No, I'm not going to write a long winded list of 36 things I want to do before 36 because, honestly, I don't need that kind of pressure and by this age, your list is much shorter -- which it should be. But I've only got 3 bloody months!!! For the purposes of this experiment, I am only going to have 1 thing on said list:

1) Lose 30 or 20 for 36. I'm putting it out there like that because I don't think I need to lose 30 pounds, and the doctor said 15, so I'm going with 20. 20 is my cup cake. 30 is my icing. Or rather 20 is my rice cake and 30 is my soy peanut butter? Yeah. That works.

And spare me the lecture of "that's too much in a short amount of time." It's called muscle memory and willpower. I've worked this body enough in the past 35 years that it will remember what it's supposed to do or I will whip it into submission!! (Starting with the 2 most treacherous hills in our neighborhood which I conquered this morning...almost threw up...but conquered nonetheless.)

I think if I can get my son past the hurdle of barely speaking to "OH MY G-D STOP TALKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I should be able to accomplish this. And then hopefully, my top will just pop off and all that, excuse my language, shit I've been holding in for 8 years will just burst out in all of its creative splendor. Or I will just be hungry and cranky.

I'll keep you posted, either way.

xoxo,
kvlm

GFCF Happiness Borders on Insanity

It's been over a month since I've posted here and, as I stated in Frock Paper Scissors, I'm working on moving this blog and my French Teacup blog over to Wordpress. Until then, I felt the need to address my Atypical Mother-ness; I so often ignore her. I struggle with the fear of sensationalizing a very personal struggle for me, my child and my husband and also don't want to be thrown into the "exploitative mother" category. So, this blog and I...you see, we have issues. It's not at all an easy thing to talk about. So there may be more revamping than just relocation.

As far as diet, this week has provided some renewed happiness with the Gluten-Free Casein-Free diet we've been in heavy pursuit of for Jude for the past few months. Between the holidays and various bouts of malaise, we haven't had a full steady week or more of both; one, but not both.

One thing we have definitely discovered is that there's yet another FREE we have to add on to our GFCF: SF. Soy. It's in everything and chances are, in the forms we/you are eating it, unless stated otherwise, it's a GMO (genetically modified organism). There's nothing healthy about that and I certainly don't want it going into my child. Not only that, behaviorally speaking, soy is a trigger for bad behavior. We have since discovered its presence in our rice milk, his supplements and even our turkey bacon. So we've had to reevaluate a lot more than just our bread and pasta choices.

Speaking of bread and pasta, I found two really great "subs" this month. One is the Whole Foods' 365 brand gluten free sandwich bread mix. (I wish I could tell you that I have the time to mix five different kinds of gluten free flour with the right amount of xantham gum to make my own bread from scratch, but that kind of time is just not in my cards right now.) Anyway, this bread was easy to make, came with its own live active yeast and had a decent texture for GF bread. If you've tried store bought GF bread before you know that it a) tastes like wet cardboard and b) falls apart if you breath on it. This did neither. Oh hoorah!

We were lucky enough to actually find two GF pastas that Jude likes. Hodgson Mill Brown Rice Angel Hair and DeBole's Multi-Grain Angel Hair (or Penne). DeBole's is a combination of rice, quinoa, and amaranth. DeBole's also makes a rice pasta that tastes kind of like melted glue so we were very hesitant to try the multi-grain but it's really quite yummy. Monday night, we made the DeBole's penne with sauteed asparagus and lemon juice; tonight, we tried the angel hair with caramelized onion and roasted garlic tomato sauce and ground beef.

And speaking of ground beef and eating healthy, though protein and good, lean meats are a very important part of Jude's GFCFSF diet, they are no longer a part of mine. Today is day three of me going back to being a vegetarian, which I have been most of my life (thank you, pregnancy, for making me a carnivore). It's all about finding what works for your body and one thing I know for sure, for me, is that meat and I do not click.

I wish I could say the same of chocolate. Let me tell you how fun it is to tell your six year old that they can't have Oreos because of dairy and gluten. Yeah, that goes over like a lead balloon. You can't have a bag of M&M's, you have to skip over Baskin Robbins, and for the most part, all things kid have to be "skipped." It's kind of heartbreaking, really, because all kids love to eat "fun things" and finding alternatives especially when your baking/cooking skills are not on par with Martha and your time is certainly not that of June Cleaver, is a major challenge.

But there are alternatives -- we tried one tonight! On a recent trip to Teeter, we purchased Betty Crocker's GF Brownie mix and Bob's Red Mill GF Chocolate Cake mix. We tried the Betty Crocker brownies tonight and I can tell you, if you can get past the fact that they smell somewhat like horse feed, they are quite tasty. Jude was a big fan (luckily he's not spent as much time in a stable as his mama, so the horse feed thing wouldn't be a total deterrent.)

So the big question is: is all this working? Well I can say that when we didn't know that soy was a trigger, I was really beginning to wonder if all of this was worth it because we had about one solid, hardcore month of questionable behavior at school. But once we yanked the soy out, things started to level out some. Dairy, I know for sure, has to stay out of his diet. He is only allowed rice milk (he really likes Rice Dream) and only drinks that rarely. No cheese, no ice cream, no butter (I use olive oil). There is a new dairy-free cheese that's getting rave reviews called Daiya but we have not tried it yet.

Gluten? I'm not entirely convinced the gluten is a trigger for him but we are still experimenting.

What I do know is that dairy is gross in and of itself. Soy is rarely not a GMO. And gluten is not good for you in any way. So, whether it works to curb his behavioral issues or not, eliminating these things from his diet (from our diet) is worth it. The ultimate goal is GFCFSF with no/low sugar, and no preservatives, dyes, etc. The evidence that supports these things interfering with the development of a developmentally delayed child, a child with ADHD or Autism, or any other behavioral issue is stacking up. And stacking up quickly.

It doesn't make grocery shopping fun. You almost always have to grocery hop and you can be guaranteed that you are 9 times out of 10 going to spend quite a bit of money. It's overwhelming when you first start and there is so much information out there. My suggestion for anyone starting this diet is to read the revised ADHD/Autism Cookbook and just remember to eat simply; eat locally; eat organically; and, most importantly, read every ingredient label of every product you buy (organic does not always mean healthy!) Experiment with your child one meal at a time and don't be afraid to make something that sounds totally off the wall (I just made my own "soda").

Oh, and don't forget the chocolate. Definitely, don't forget the chocolate.


xoxo,
kvlm

Happy Sunday

My poor man is a volcano. Of vomit. And has been since about 6:00 this morning. I hate it when he's sick, like any mom, and that overwhelming since of not being able to fix it takes over and you find yourself offering things that make no sense (can I hold your hair? oh, wait, you are a boy...maybe not).

Let's just all pray that the Great GI bug of 2010:
a) goes away as quickly as it came;
b) has agreed to cease and desist for the day (I seriously don't think my house could smell anymore uninviting; and
c) that it does not make its way from child to mommy to daddy (because mommy has a date with Chris Botti Tuesday night and I will go whether I am full on Linda Blair or not. I will, I tell you).

Now, mommy and daddy swear that they have some super gene that protects them from contracting the usual stomach bugs but as soon as we think that, one of us is sure to be lying naked on the bathroom floor because "it's cold, I just need to be cold." (What is it exactly about the bathroom floor that makes you feel better anyway...if you think about it, do you want to be cheek-pressed on the bathroom floor? In a bathroom your leaky, CDC children use? Yeah, no).

I've not touched food nor water all day hoping that if I deprive said bug of substance it will move on to another host. Which of course means I will be binge eating in less than an hour. But for now, eating in this house is right up there with eating in a hospital, a bus stop or a bathroom at the fairgrounds -- ain't gonna happen. (Yes, I liken those things to each other because they all skeeve me out in their own very special way.)

At what age do kids start voluntarily making it to the bathroom before losing their lunch anyway? Because I'd like to give myself and my husband that glimmer of hope at the end of the vile tunnel. Little people throw up anywhere. And everywhere unfortunately. Ugh. I feel like I need to be Silkwood-ed or HAZMT-ed or something. Boiled? No?

We are quiet inside, he's finally asleep on the sofa, our lovely black sailcloth curtains are keeping out all the light and I'm sure our neighbors think we are having a Boo Radley day. Let's just hope it works to recuperate the wild thing that is my child and return him to his normal state.

Fingers crossed and candles lit. (Oh, lots of candles lit...especially of the aromatherapy variety.)

Well that seemed to work

I recently read several blogs and articles about Jenny McCarthy getting quite a bit of grief from parents who have tried biomed treatments on their children with no results. Well, I'd like to say, in her defense, she was and has always been very up front about the fact that it works for some children. And I think people are missing the point, she is not advocating for no vaccines, she's advocating for GREEN vaccines. Whenever there is a herald for a cause that's controversial, that person usually, historically, gets burned for the wrong reasons.

Ok, I had to have a soap box moment there for Jenny. She's revolutionized the way we approach this subject and I salute her.

We are still in the experimental phase of all of this. But I can attest to something, supplements seem to make a huge impact on my child. Last week, we ran out of his multi with extra B's and magnesium. So I thought, hey, maybe I'll take a "break break" and see if his behavior changes being off the supplement. I would like to apologize at this point to my son's school for this past week. I am surprised there was not breaking news on the local tv station "Local Boy Takes Over School and Holds Everyone Hostage in Library." I mean, really. Difference? Like you would not believe.

Now, I'm not 100% certain that it's just the lack of B vitamins and magnesium (said to calm children with ADD, ADHD, ASD, etc.) but I am very confident it played a big hand in him having three red choices today, three red choices yesterday. Big fat red sticker in his folder. Oy. But, hey, at least now I know. He went back on B and magnesium supplements yesterday, a Superfood "scooby snack" (this is what we call them to get him to consume the darn things) with even more B vitamins. Hopefully his teacher will resume talking to me next week. I can't be sure. I imagine she has my photo on a dart board at home.

The great thing (the difficult thing) is that even though he was a little more all over the place and somewhat belligerent, ahem, it's so hard to not smile and/or laugh when he comes in from school and tells me, in detail, what he did and why he did it. When you have a child who really couldn't tell you "because...." a year ago and now he is giving you the reason he threw a fit in the library and says, "i'll never be happy again" because he didn't get the book he wanted, it's pretty hard to cough back a chuckle and be happy. But still, he gets time out like every other child on earth. If he can explain to me why he's being a buttukus, he can very much decide to make green choices! (Still, "I'll never be happy again..." hilarious.)

The point of the matter is supplements and diet do work for some children. I'm so excited to see the changes and progress with Jude it's impossible for me to say that these tactics do not work. Do I think they'll work for everyone? No. Do I think every tactic will work with him? No, I don't. But what I do know is when your child is dangling in some gray area that you can pull him out of by at least trying something, it's worth it. And if it doesn't work, like everything else in life, you pick yourself up, dust yourself, and try all over again. If Jenny McCarthy has taught us mothers of atypical children anything, it's to never lose hope. Hope will get you through just about any situation, no matter how difficult or trying. And, really, that's half the battle.

xo,
kvlm

Cue Dramatic Overture

What I'd really like to be doing right now is laying on the chaise, laptop in hand, blankets galore and watching hours of Ghost Hunters International or Whale Wars but only because we don't have cable and so I therefore cannot watch Project Runway, my one real true vice. GHI and WW isn't much better, but what can I say? I am a dork in that way and my dork flag, it doth fly high.

So, so much to catch up on since joining the PTA. I've sort of sucked in keeping this blog up only because in the wake of so many things happening at once with school, my mind sort of goes to "hibernate" mode much like a computer. I think they should start giving out free shots of espresso to all moms and dads in an effort to keep them up with all the information and, well, STUFF you are inundated with on a daily business. Having a child in school is basically like having a second job. Or fourth, depending on how you look at it.

But it becomes even more challenging when your speech delayed son is also not acclimating at the pace in which you'd hoped. Challenging and somewhat heart-wrenching. I really think the problem started off with us not exactly explaining that the new school had nothing to do with his old school. Expecting familiar faces then being met with a bevy of strange ones would set anyone on their ass a bit. (Of course I'd pay money at this juncture to find my days filled with strange faces but that is another story in and of itself.)

Anyhoo, it's been a transition. That is for sure. And those one or two autistic tendencies that my brilliant child has seem oh so more definitive set against a backdrop of totally typical school kids. So now we have to readjust his IEP and have conversations with teachers and principals that quite frankly make me itch from head to toe.

In the interim of all of this, I've been "boning up" on my biomedical research. For those of you who need a point of reference, think Jenny McCarthy. I read "Louder than Words" in the course of an hour at Barnes and Nobles a few weeks ago and I really wish someone had given it to me sooner. Any child with any kind of developmental delay be it speech or something more significant, could benefit from the wisdom of Ms. McCarthy and the other mothers like her. If your child has ADD, ADHD, behavioral issues of any kind, PDD/Autism, SPD, OCD, or is just generally "out of sorts" sometimes and acts like maybe they have invaded your home from a faraway planet, many of the biomed treatments may help you.

No one knows what causes autism and it's brethren. There is speculation that it's vaccines; metals in our food system; caused by mothers with any auto immune deficiency (ex. allergies!); or just an inexplicable neurological disorder that cannot be repaired. Well, that last part is bullshit. And there are hundreds of moms out there who can prove it. Now I can't say I know for sure what causes the "A," as we call it in this household, or any of the others. I don't know that we will ever have a definitive answer. But the evidence of the first three is there and it could be all of them, one of them, a combo. I don't really know and quite frankly that isn't my issue at present. Right now my issue is just to go at this with the knowledge I have and live from this day forward. I will deal with the why later.

So we are going gfcf (gluten-free/casein-free). I found a great plan online to get you gfcf over a ten-week period so as not to:

freak your children out and

have your husband divorce you.

Oh, hoorah. I do so love it when I can avoid those two things. We area already on DHA/Omega 3 supplements and a mega vitamin full of B12 but we are just beginning our research into the potency and benefits of Vitamin C, all the B vitamins, Cod Liver Oil and such detoxifying methods as Epsom Salts. Now I know there are stronger ways to detox the body of mercury, but first we have to know if that's a problem and we haven't had that test yet so I'm not trying to jump into anything without a "full" education.

The DHA/Omega 3 makes a difference in attention span and increases speech, that much I can say for certain. I don't know that we see much difference with the vitamins but I think once we go to a full on B Complex liquid, we will.

As for the diet piece of this puzzle...it just makes sense to me at this point. Especially the casein portion of it. I am so wickedly lactose intolerant that it actually pains me to eat ice cream (something I fully intend on taking up with G-d when the time comes)and it runs in my family. So it would make sense that my little man might have a really hard time processing the stuff. This can cause all kinds of issues with bowels, digestion, moods, irritability, sleeping, etc. Quite honestly, I have absolutely no qualms with giving up cheese...not only because it attempts to tear my innards to shreds but because, think about it, it's kind of gross isn't it? I've been virtually cheese/dairy product free for almost three weeks now and I can tell a big difference. I am hoping that it's as easy for him to give up as it has been for me. We will be replacing milk with rice milk and I've just discovered from another mother that there is quite tasty rice cheese. Ok, that sounds gross. But hell I'll try anything once.

Now the gluten part of the equation is going to be a much higher mountain to climb because if I didn't know he wasn't, I'd think my beloved child was Italian. He could live off of pasta and garlic bread if I let him. Granted, his blood is probably at least half garlic anyway considering the vast quantities of the stuff I consumed in my lifetime before getting pregnant not to mention WHILE pregnant. And when it comes to pasta, I don't even mean mac 'n cheese, for which I think he'd forget about pretty quickly. I mean gourmet ravioli and penne with fresh parm and pepper. His middle name should be penne. The kid is truly a junky for it. So far, our venture into rice pasta has been seriously horrific. A gelatinous mass of rubbery noodles is just not something you want to force on your child...hell, I don't know that I'd force it on my enemy. So, yeah, I'm aware that this is going to be huge, life-altering and extremely experimental. But I put my kitchen aid mixer under on arm and my gfcf cookbook for kids under the other and I say,"bring it on!"

Luckily, the smeeky (one of many nicknames I have for my son; the others include but are not limited to: mr. baby, smurfy murphy, shmee...the list goes on)is doing pretty damn well in school now considering our rough start. He's only doing half days until he gets through his separation anxiety issues (which manifest themselves as aggression more often than not) which seems to be working really well. He's got a great teacher and is having a lot of fun. His speech is expanding and he seems to be more comfortable in social situations. We haven't necessarily informed him of this diet overhaul yet but we did let him pick out some gluten free options at the store tonight and for the first time ever IN MY LIFE, I have Bratwurst in the refrigerator. Yes, recovering vegetarian, party of one.

It's going to be a high protein, no/low preservative, organic, gfcf extravaganza over here, people. I may have to lovingly remove the phrase "Golden Arches" from my husband's vocabulary and pry the pink Baskin Robbins spoon from my child's steel like grip but if it "recovers" him, I'd myself give up chocolate tomorrow. Now, that my friends, would be something.

lots of gfcf love,
kvlm

Holy shit...I joined the PTA

My child is upstairs reading "Green Eggs and Ham" for about the billionth time. And I, the dutiful mother, am lounging on the red chaise with a glass of red wine. No, I don't really deserve to be propped up down here while my husband is subjected to a new, interpretive version of Dr. Seuss, but it's been a rough day and I needed a little break, so here I am.

Hearing my son read is the most amazing sound I've ever heard. Especially considering that about two years ago, I wasn't really sure when we'd conquer reading -- I certainly didn't anticipate it happening before Kindergarten! But he's quite skilled, has a natural love for books (yea!) and really loves to understand what is going on on each page. When they say that sharing a book with a child is a gift, they really weren't kidding. Of course, I probably don't need to sit down with my stacks of Galliano and Valentino 90-pounders and teach him how to properly pronounce fashion terminology in various languages, but, hey, I had to share those things with someone over the past few years (now I torture my husband with them...he's very knowledgeable now, a real Tim Gunn).

Writing, reading, spelling...we seem to be on top of it all (thanks again, husband) so why on earth am I so completely over the top anxious/scared/freaked the hell out about Kindergarten? They say this is normal but I'm not sure welling up at the onset of parent orientation (two weeks prior to the actual start date) would be considered "normal" by any self-respecting therapist. Yes, I did. Lip-biting, chin quivering...as if I was the one being left in this harmless, clinical, innocuous building which suddenly posed an enormous threat to my safety and, obviously, my sanity.

I was overcome with visions of a 7 year-old with a handgun; metal detectors; SWAT teams...you name it, I visualized it. Of course they assured us of the absolute safety of the building and the vigilant watch of all teachers, administrators and volunteers but when you have my imagination, every dark scenario becomes screechingly possible. It's horrifying. I considered a shack on top of a mountain some place where we could just grow our own food and I could teach him with pencils I widdled out of tree branches but that may be a little too "Nell."

Ok, ok. So I wasn't a complete lunatic the whole time. There were moments of clarity...excitement even. For instance, the prospect of signing him up for French (my choice) or Chinese (husband's choice) this year really perked me up. And perhaps dance? After all, my son is a wee bit Martha Graham/Twila Tharp-y...or is he more Isadora Duncan? Maybe Mark Morris? (Had to plug in a non-Baryshnikov male here just for the sake of keeping it 'manly' as my husband, who is not a Baryshnikov fan, will most certainly point out...please G-d let him be more like Baryshnikov and certainly not have Morris' hair...ok,ok I digress)? Anyway, it depends on the day of the week, but the kid can interpretive dance his way into a full-blown choreographed number in a manner of minutes (must have been all those years of term papers I wrote for dance class, the image of Isadora's scarf burned permanently on my brain, leaving it's mark on the cerebral DNA I passed to my offspring).

They went on to covering bus routes, rules, problems (yes, your child may wind up at home and you are in the carpool line...or yes, your child might fall asleep on the bus and we won't know it until the end of the day) but I tuned all that out because yeah, hell no (I'm sorry, no offense, but I am just not ready for that leap not to mention, well, we could quite actually walk to school).

So then we got around to the PTA part. Laugh if you will but I, yes I, joined the PTA. And so did my husband. This is where I say "it's not like other PTA's, it's really different" and you all nod your heads and say "uh-huh" like people do when you are a mental patient but really, it is different and I'm honestly kind of looking forward to it. They are very into bringing cultural programs to the school which I can totally get behind, don't require your child to sell gift wrap (that was the hook for me) and 80% of the board members are working moms/dads. It really was the SAHM mentality that jaded me to begin with; I feel guilty enough about the hours spent working vs. the hours I have spent parenting and do not need Miss $60K-SUV-Tennis-Skirt to make me feel worse, thank you very much. I also love that dads are involved. There is nothing I love more than finding new activities that the 3 of us can, essentially, do together. Even if it means helping to host the Russian Ballet for a day. I'll just put Jude in a costume and I'm sure he'll be out there leading the Russian Ballet in a manner of minutes, much to the dismay of other PTA moms and dads...ok, wait. Maybe not. Maybe we'll host a bake sale? A cake walk? Do they even have those anymore? I used to get stuck with fruitcake or, worse, saran-wrapped chocolate ice-box cake. Ugh. I can taste it now. Reminds me of Christmas Dinner carry-out from the Piggly Wiggly at Grandma's house when I was about six. Ack. At any rate, I'm sure there's something fun and fabulous the 3 of us can do together and any time that happens, it is a good day in the world.

Let's face it, there are a lot of things you "swore you'd never do" once you become a parent. Well, get your Memorex out because all that will come back to haunt you. I swore I'd never have a blue and yellow nursery: blue and yellow nursery, check. I swore I'd never have one item of clothing monogrammed: monogrammed knit hat, check, monogrammed school bag, check check. I swore I'd never buy him Patsy Aiken: Patsy Aiken out the wazoo, check. And I also swore I'd never join the PTA. *Cardholder*

If you don't have kids yet, get ready for it. And try not to make a promise to hold your breath when you make all those vows on things you "will never do" because I promise, in the end, you'll be as blue as the paint on my son's four walls the day he came home from the hospital. Best to go ahead and embrace the dysfunction now. See you at the PTA!

xoxo, kvlm